Throughout our lives, we have learned a variety of ways to help our kids when they have strong feelings, thoughts or problems. We want to be helpful, yet many of our responses actually make it more difficult for the child to express him/herself, make a decision or solve a problem.
Listed here are twelve of the more frequent “helping responses” which can become “Roadblocks” to communication. When you read this list, you may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because so many of your regular responses are now called roadblocks.
Two things to know about “Roadblocks”:
1. These are roadblocks when your child is experiencing a problem or strong feelings (“Other Owns a Problem”). When the relationship is in the “No Problem Area”, many of these are not blocks (e.g. joking, asking questions, etc.). Some, like name-calling and ridiculing are always risky and cause problems.
2. You are not a “bad” person because you use roadblocks. You are doing what you have been taught to do to help your kids. P.E.T. provides you with more effective alternatives to begin using instead of these common roadblocks.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself…”
1. ORDERING, DIRECTING
• Communicates unacceptance
• Can cause resistance, hostility
• Promotes rebellious behavior, retaliation
“You’ll never make friends if…” “You’d better stop worrying so much or…”
2. WARNING, THREATENING
• Communicates unacceptance
• Can produce fear, submissiveness
• Can cause resentment, anger, alienation
“Life is not supposed to be easy…” “You shouldn’t feel that way…” “Patience is a virtue you should learn…”
3. MORALIZING, PREACHING
• Creates “obligation” or guilt feelings
• Can cause the other person to “dig in” and defend his or her position even more (“Who says?”)
• Leads to withdrawal, alienation, or to counter moralizing (“Well, you shouldn’t . . . either!”)
“What I would do is…” “Why don’t you…” “Let me suggest…”
4. ADVISING, GIVING SOLUTIONS
• Can imply the other person is not able to solve own problems
• Prevents them from thinking through a problem, considering alternative solutions, and trying them out for reality
• Can cause dependency or resistance
“Here’s why you’re wrong…” “The facts are…” “Yes, but…”
5. USING LOGIC, ARGUING
• Provokes defensive position and counter arguments
• Often causes the other person to “turn off” to you, to quit listening
• Can cause them to feel inferior, inadequate
“You are not thinking maturely…” “You’re just lazy…” “Maybe you started the fight first…”
6. JUDGING, BLAMING, CRITICIZING
• Implies incompetency, stupidity, poor judgment
• Cuts off communication from the other person out of fear of negative judgment
• The other person often accepts judgments as true (“I am bad”), or retaliates (“You’re not so great yourself!”)
“Well, I think you’re doing a great job!” “You’re right! – that teacher sounds awful!…”
7. PRAISING, AGREEING
• Implies high expectations and possible future evaluation
• Can be seen as patronizing or as a manipulative effort to encourage desired behavior
• Can cause anxiety when the other person’s perception of self doesn’t match the praise
“Crybaby…” “That’s stupid to worry about one low test grade.”
8. NAME CALLING, LABELING
• Can cause other person to feel unworthy
• Can have devastating effect on their self-image
• Often provokes verbal retaliation
“What’s wrong with you is…,” “You’re just tired…” “What you really mean is…”
9. ANALYZING, DIAGNOSING
• Can be threatening and frustrating
• Other person can feel either trapped, exposed or not believed
• Stops them from communicating for fear of distortion or exposure
“Don’t worry,” “You’ll feel better,” “Oh, cheer up!”
10. REASSURING, SYMPATHIZING
• Causes other person to feel misunderstood
• Evokes strong feelings of hostility (“That’s easy for you to say!”)
• Other person often picks up your message as “It’s not alright for you to feel bad“
“Why…?” “Who…?” “What did you…?” “How…?”
11. QUESTIONING, PROBING
• Since answering questions often results in getting subsequent criticisms or solutions, other people often learn to reply with non-answers, avoidance, half-truths or lies
• Since questions often keep the other person in the dark as to what you’re driving at, they may become anxious and fearful
• Other person can lose sight of his or her problem while answering questions spawned by your concerns
“Let’s talk about more fun stuff…” “Why don’t you try running the world!” Remaining silent; turning away
12. AVOIDING, DIVERTING, SARCASM
• Implies that life’s difficulties are to be avoided rather than dealt with
• Can infer other person’s problems are unimportant, petty or invalid
• Stops openness from other person when they are experiencing a difficulty
Well now what? Now this….
The purpose of Active Listening is to understand and accept your child’s reality and then to let them know you understand and accept it. (Note: acceptance doesn’t mean agreement.)
To Active Listen effectively, you want to:
1. Face the other person, give him/her your full attention and maintain eye contact (if appropriate).
2. Tune out your own thoughts and feelings.
3. Tune in to what the other person in the conflict is saying and feeling.
4. Give feedback to the speaker stating your understanding of what s/he is saying and feeling.