The “Hidden Agenda” in Most Praising
Parents, teachers, and other adults, as everyone remembers, often use praise for the primary purpose of trying to change youngsters in some specific way-motivate them to do better, keep up the good work, act nice, make a good appearance, or repeat some other desired behavior. Their intent is to reinforce (reward) some behavior that they value as good, proper, and right. Thus, behind almost every praising message exists the unstated purpose of wanting to change a child. I call it a “hidden agenda,” because the purpose of the adult is almost never clearly stated and put out on the table.
Why We Can’t Count On Rewards Working
When a mom says to her twelve-year-old daughter, “You look so pretty tonight with a dress on,” her unstated hidden agenda might be, “I wish you’d wear dresses more often rather than those jeans.” Or when a teacher says, “Class, you’ve been very quiet and industrious today,” the likely hidden agenda is, “Why can’t you be like this every day?”
I recall my father saying to my brother and me, “You boys really did a fine job on the yard today.” We knew, however, that Dad was using his tried-and-true principle that I mentioned earlier: “Praise ’em and they’ll work their heads off.”
Thus, the intention of adults when they use praise is not solely the benevolent one of making the child feel good. It’s a desire to engineer a behavior change that will make the adult feel good-getting a neat yard, seeing a daughter wear what the parent prefers, having a quiet class. Kids usually see through such praise and recognize the adult’s hidden agenda.
Praise, then, is often meted out for the convenience, pleasure, or benefit of the praiser. When a parent or teacher praises, the attitude may be “I want to make my child feel good,” but it can also be “I want to change the child so I’ll feel good.” Parents and teachers who use praise in this way may come to be perceived by youngsters as manipulative, controlling, and not completely honest.
Alternatives to praise? Anyone?
Yes, Positive I-Messages (or Appreciative, as we call them in our L.E.T. program). Direct, clear, descriptive, honest, powerful, no hidden agenda, transparent and waaaaay more meaningful!