Part VI in a series of Blogs written by kids of P.E.T.
Blog post by: Ms. Catrine Malan – Pretoria, South Africa
I don’t believe any person is perfect when it comes to being a parent. Even the definition of human nature is riddled with contradictions. So how can anyone simply fit into the definition of a perfect parent? It’s the people who over the years have admitted to flaws in parenthood and sought out change that I have come to admire most.
Society has always found comfort in labelling people according to their beliefs, sex, race, and in this context – parenting. I’ve always believed that it’s the pressures in trying to keep up with these labels that cause hostile relationships.
I am the oldest of three children. It’s safe to say I was the guinea pig to every parenting method out there. I was the first baby crying, the 
first not wanting to go to bed, to wet my bed, to paint on the walls, refuse to go to school, to drink, to smoke, to move out of the house, to get a degree, to get a job and so on. I was and will always be the first. Thus I was also the first to welcome my mom and dad to parenthood – I believe one of the most defining moments of ones’ life.
Focussing on my mom: my primary caregiver. The first six years of our relationship was a car speeding downhill. Today those years are vague memories but remain underlying emotions that still like making an appearance from time to time. Most clearly, I remember always feeling afraid and uncertain around my mom – who at that time, off course, was dealing with the pressures of being a first-time, full-time parent. I was afraid of hurting her or being in her way. Despite my efforts I could never tell what mood she was in and it caused a lot of confusion. Children are way more likely to appease than being deliberately difficult and my inability to keep my mom happy actually led to a lot of self-doubt. When I saw her stressed, angry, and depressed I would immediately assume – “It’s my fault” or “I was naughty”.
I tried my best everyday not to disappoint as a child – not to make her scream or cry.
Around that time, something intervened in my mother’s life – a moment of clarity or sheer desperation, I don’t know. However she made a choice, a decision to change what was needed to become the parent she wanted to be. It of course took a lot of self-exploration first and admitting to flaws. I think sometimes parents feel pressured to tighten the lid on the perfectly labelled ‘parent jar’ that they don’t always realise the messy content squeezing out around the edges.
Parents are “children”, too. Like children they are also experiencing parenthood for the first time often defaulting to the way they were brought up even knowing very well they would never want the same for their own children. It’s by first acknowledging and taking responsibility for these defaults that enable us to clean up the messy edges. I learned that from my mom when she decided to slam on the brakes.
She heard about the Parent Effectiveness Training course. I believe the course offered her a safe place to breathe and deal with insecurities regarding the definition of parenthood. It led to a more honest and open relationship between my mom and I.
My mom transformed from trying to fit a label to becoming human. She finally became someone I could relate to. Like me, she still cried, got angry and frustrated but no longer projected it onto me. She owned her problems and gained the tools to effectively communicate with me if I was the one with the problem – without having to shout of beat it out of me. Even though I was child, my heart was beating human just like hers.
P.E.T. – I ultimately believe – breaks down the pressures society’s labels so often create by saying what’s right, wrong and acceptable in childcare. Parents are awarded an opportunity to slam on the brakes – to admit to human uncertainties and grow towards inner strength.
I am now 25 years old and seeing some of the people my age and the strained relationships they have with their parents, makes me extremely grateful for a course like P.E.T. Even more so, I am proud of my mom who showed me what it means to take responsibility and work hard, everyday, towards the relationship you want with others around you but mostly yourself.