(Excerpted from the P.E.T. book – by Dr. Thomas Gordon)
We’ve heard this statement from a LOT of parents. This blog is not about the do’s and don’ts of spanking, per se. It’s about the different styles of parenting, some of which support corporal punishment or some other punitive means of teaching kids lessons. 
Now on to Dr. Gordon and what he had to say about styles of parenting:
Almost without exception parents can be categorized roughly into three groups—the winners,” the “losers,” and the “oscillators.” Parents in the first group strongly defend and persuasively justify their right to exercise authority or power over the child. They believe in restricting, setting limits, demanding certain behaviors, giving commands, and expecting obedience. They use threats of punishment to influence the child to obey, and mete out punishments when he does not.
When conflict arises between the needs of the parents and those of the child, these parents consistently resolve the conflict in such a way that the parent wins and the child loses. Generally, these parents rationalize their “winning” by such stereotyped thinking as “This is the way my parents raised me and I turned out pretty well,” “It’s for the good of the child,” “Children actually want parental authority,” or simply the vague notion that “
It is the responsibility of parents to use their authority for the good of the child, because parents know best what is right and wrong.”
The second group of parents, somewhat fewer in number than the “winners,” allow their children a great deal of freedom most of the time. They consciously avoid setting limits and proudly admit that they do not condone authoritarian methods. When conflict occurs between the needs of the parent and those of the child, rather consistently it is the child who wins and the parent who loses, because such parents believe it is harmful to frustrate the child’s needs.
Probably the largest group of parents is made up of those who find it impossible to follow consistently either one of the first two approaches. Consequently, in trying to arrive at a “judicious mixture” of each they oscillate back and forth between being strict and lenient, tough and easy, restrictive and permissive, winning and losing. As one mother told us:
“I try to be permissive with my children until they get so bad I can’t stand them. Then I feel I have to change and start using my authority until I get so strict I can’t stand myself.”
The parents who shared these feelings in one of the P.E.T. classes unknowingly spoke for the large number in the “oscillating group.” These are the parents who are probably most confused and uncertain, and whose children are often the most disturbed.
The major dilemma of today’s parents is that they perceive only two approaches to handling conflicts in the home—conflicts that inevitably arise between parent and child. They see but two alternatives in child-rearing. Some choose the “I win—you lose” approach, some the “You win—I lose” approach, while others seemingly cannot decide between the two.
Parents in P.E.T. are surprised to learn that there is an alternative to the two “win-lose” methods. Coincidentally, recently (August, 2024) there was an article in “Newsweek” devoted to P.E.T. and how it’s different from the usual programs that are win-lose or lose-win.
P.E.T. is the “no-lose” method of resolving conflicts, and helping parents learn how to use it effectively is one of the principal aims of P.E.T. While this method has been used for years for resolving other conflicts, few parents have ever thought of it as a method for resolving parent-child conflicts.
Many husbands and wives [and partners] resolve their conflicts by mutual problem-solving. So do business partners. Labor unions and management negotiate contracts binding to both. Property settlements in divorces are often arrived at by joint decision-making.
Even children frequently work out their conflicts by mutual agreement or informal contracts acceptable to both (“If you do this, then I’ll agree to that”). With increasing frequency, corporations are training executives to use participative decision-making in resolving conflicts.
No gimmick or quick road to effective parenthood, the “no-lose” method requires a rather basic change in the attitudes of most parents toward their children. It takes time to use it in the home, and it requires that parents first learn the skills of non-evaluative listening and honest communication of their own feelings.
Its position, however, does not reflect the true importance of the no-lose method in our total approach to child-rearing. In fact, this method of bringing discipline into the home through effective management of conflict is the heart and soul of our philosophy.
It is the master key to parent effectiveness. Parents who take the time to understand it and then conscientiously employ it at home as the alternative to the two win-lose methods are richly rewarded, usually far beyond their hopes and expectations.