“When we encounter a person with a problem our usual response is to try to change his way of looking at things-to get him to see his situation the way we see it or would like him to see it. We plead, reason, scold, encourage, insult, prod–anything to bring about a change in the desired direction, that is, in the direction we want him to travel. What we seldom realize, however, is that, under these circumstances, we are usually responding to our own needs to see the world in certain ways. It is always difficult for us to tolerate and understand actions which are different from the ways in which we believe we should act. If, however, we can free ourselves from the need to influence and direct others in our own paths, we enable ourselves to listen with understanding and thereby employ the most potent available agent of change.” – Dr. Carl Rogers
Dr. Rogers was the creator of Reflective Listening (re-named Active Listening by one of his students and colleagues, Dr. Richard Farson).
Dr. Thomas Gordon, a student, colleague and close friend of Dr. Rogers, then incorporated this listening skill into his private corporate consulting in 1955. And then in 1962, Dr. Gordon taught the first Parent Effectiveness Training program, which then spread throughout the USA and to over 50 countries, and so it was P.E.T. that introduced Active Listening to the world—and we are forever grateful for that!
Okay, well, that’s great and nice to know, but why…WHY is it so hard to use Active Listening sometimes, as well as convince people that it’s worth the time to learn it and use it?!?!
Here are some thoughts on that:
1. Most people on the planet were raised by parents who used the Communication Roadblocks. (“Get over it”, “You’re being ridiculous”, “If you don’t stop crying,…” and so on). So to suggest that we could accept (NOT agree) that the other person has feelings and not try and talk them out of it, might seem counterintuitive, or even foreign. So the use of those roadblocks is a difficult habit to break.
2. Who are we to think we know what the other person should or shouldn’t feel? Are we them? Nope. It’s a little egotistical to insert ourselves into their emotions and what we think they should do or how to feel. Step back, allow them to be them, with all their messy or confusing emotions. (Side note, a great movie came out in June that takes a deep dive into how emotions impact us–Inside Out 2).
3. Oh good grief, do we need to really spend this much time on feelings? Let’s get back to work for crying out loud—we don’t have time for this stuff. Hmmm……well, we’re human and we do have emotions—that is a fact. If we don’t acknowledge those emotions and create a climate of trust where people can share them, we’ll pay a huge price down the road. Additionally, we make decisions based upon how we feel—we also use spreadsheets, polls and surveys and that’s important data for sure. But feelings are data too. And we should learn how to respect ALL of the data to make the best decisions we can for ourselves, our team and our organization.
One more point: how much time do you spend now, trying to mediate conflicts between team members, having to work with a team member who keeps coming to you with the same problem, or the ever popular: people going to HR with grievances about a coworker or filing a complaint? That’s expensive. Instead, why not invest some time in Active Listening and see how much that will save you.
Okay, that’s it, for now. Thanks for listening.