Raise your hand if this sounds familiar to you:
“So what I hear you saying is…..”
Okay, you can put your hands down now.
Most of you will recognize this as a way of beginning your own Active Listening to someone who, in your Behavior Window* is “in” the top part of the window, yes? Okay, good so far.
This can be helpful to those who are new to Active Listening AND it’s also a good way to buy yourself some time before you give your Active Listening a shot. On the other hand, it can sometimes be, well…okay, I will just say it…annoying! What do I mean by that? If you use this opener or lead-in a lot, your Active Listening might start to sound robotic or formulaic to the other person.
Now I don’t mean to rain on your parade if this is helpful to you and/or you’re just starting out and now I am telling you to skip this opener. I just want to caution you to vary your lead-ins, if you use them.
If people understand your intent (<– essential!!!!) is to help, they will be forgiving of a few stumbles. Let them in on what you’re doing: “I want to make sure I get what you’re saying, so bear with me while I share what I think you’re saying.” Okay, a bit wordy…but I think you get the intent, yes?
Over the years, we’ve collected a few lead-ins and I wanted to share some with you (I stole them from one of our workbooks). I hope they are helpful to you!
But first, a little tutorial!
To understand another person’s feelings and experiences you need to attempt to enter his or her personal frame of reference. However, since it is impossible for you to be the other person, the best you can do is approximate an understanding. Consequently, most Active Listening responses should be tentative, leaving confirmation up to the sender.
It is also helpful to use a variety of expressions when you Active Listen. Repetition of one phrase such as “Sounds like you’re…” rapidly becomes irritating to the other and communicates the use of a mechanical technique rather than a genuine and empathic response.
Phrases that are useful when you trust that your perceptions are accurate and the sender is receptive to your Active Listening are:
1. You…
2. You feel…
3. Sounds like you’re…
4. From your point of view…
5. It seems to you that…
6. As you see it…
7. You think…
8. You believe…
9. You’re… (identify the feeling; for example, angry, sad, overjoyed)
10. I really hear you saying that…
11. You mean…
12. I wonder if…
13. I’m not sure if I hear you, but…
14. Correct me if I’m wrong, but…
15. Is it possible that…?
16. Maybe you feel…
Phrases that are useful when you are having some difficulty perceiving clearly, or when it seems that the sender might not be receptive to your Active Listening:
1. Is this what I hear you saying…?
2. Does it sound right that you…?
3. You appear to be feeling…
And last but not least, here’s a cool one I just heard the other day, from an L.E.T. (Leader Effectiveness Training) newbie: “So the view from your window is…..”)
And if you have any questions about Active Listening, the Gordon Model and so forth, please contact me. I am happy to help and I would love to hear from you!
*Behavior Window: this is a visual tool created by Dr. Thomas Gordon, to help people as they view a situation, decide what Gordon Model skill to use—and when — in any given situation with other people.