No matter how smart we are, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much leadership training we have, no matter how good our intentions, sometimes we are going to mess up. This is especially true when it comes to confronting unacceptable behavior. During leadership training, we carefully learn the three parts to an I-message, [1] how to respond after the other person reacts, what to do next, etc. We learn when to use them, what the consequences of using you-messages (blame, judgment, sarcasm, and so on) are, how to incorporate I-language into conflict resolution, performance reviews, appreciative messages and on and on. Many participants feel pretty confident after all that practice and feedback and many become quite skilled. Even those who are not quite so skilled become better than they were before. All in all, it is usually a very satisfying experience for the participants and for me. So, off they go. Typically, the first few times they try their new skills, they do pretty well. They may feel awkward or timid, but often they are pretty successful. The other person recognizes that they are trying something new and even though they may be a little suspicious, they often give the participants the benefit of the doubt.
But, after a while, the inevitable happens. A situation comes up and the participant reacts out of habit rather than deliberation. Of course, remembering to use the new, fragile skills in the “heat of battle” is tough. It is most important to remember these skills when things are going wrong, when the other’s behavior is causing you a problem (or when the other is coming to you with their own problem), which is exactly when our anxiety escalates and we are most likely to revert to the old ways of doing things. That’s when we are most likely to resort to using our power. Even when we have been using our “willpower” to avoid it, sometimes we will forget. Often, we will remember later and tell ourselves, “Oh man, that’s not how I meant to say that.” It is important in those instances to avoid beating up on yourself. Everyone is going to forget sometimes, especially during stressful situations. We have had a lifetime of training to build the old habits and only a few days to learn the new ones. What is important is to remember that you can often give yourself a second chance. You can go back and clean it up.
Once you have realized what has happened and you want to clean it up, there are several steps to take:
- Go to the other person and say something like, “Listen, I messed up back there. I don’t like the way I handled that… it’s not the way I want to treat our relationship and I am really sorry.”
- Ask the person for a second chance. Say, “Can I try that again?”
- If he or she agrees, this time say it again, but be sure to use the skills that you learned in your leadership training class. (You may not get a third chance).
Here’s a real life example from a manager:
One of my team members who is our desktop publisher, often helps me with projects. Recently, I had an important meeting with potential clients coming up in two days and I went in to see how she was doing with my Power Point presentation.
When I asked her about it, she said, “Oh that, yeah, I planned on starting on it tomorrow.” I said, “You have to be kidding! I need to have that by the day after tomorrow!”
She looked annoyed and shrugged and said, “Well, you and I have talked before about how I need deadlines from you – spelled out. And right now I’ve got a lot of other projects lined up.”
Well, I was in no mood to Active Listen (even though I did remember that I had agreed to let her know when I needed projects completed). I was in panic mode and I was worried I would have to do it myself (and my Power Point ability is less than marginal and I really needed to impress these potential clients).
So I just said, “Oh, well, that’s great. I guess I will have to use flip charts or something.” And then I walked out. I was upset, annoyed, frustrated and worried. Couldn’t she see that regardless of what we agreed upon about deadlines, I needed emergency help NOW? We didn’t speak for the rest of the day and that interfered with my focus, my work, etc,. On the commuter train home that night, I went over the scenario again and zeroed in on where I fell short and decided to call her at home.
“Hello Christine, it’s Mike.” “Oh Hi,” she said somewhat coldly. I continued with, “Remember from L.E.T. [2] when we learned How to Go Back and Clean it Up?
Well, here I am. I didn’t handle the situation today with you like I should have and more importantly the way that I wished I had, so I’d like to say I’m sorry and start over.” She sighed and said she was glad that I called and she thought of it all day and was even going to ask to meet with me the next morning. So I began with listening to her – the way I should have earlier that day.
“You get really bogged down with a lot of projects and really need deadlines to stay organized so you can get your work out on time. When I don’t stick to our agreement about deadlines, it disrupts your work, causes you extra work, not to mention frustration.”
“Totally,” she says, “I thought you and I agreed about deadlines, so when you came into my office and asked about your Power Point, I couldn’t believe it! And then I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, how am I going to drop everything and help him NOW?'”
So I responded with, “I can certainly see how my behavior would have annoyed you and would not motivate you to put stuff aside to help me. I also feel like I am so dependent on you for this stuff, I think I get irritated because I am clueless in Power Point.”
“Maybe,” she begins, “I could teach you a few tricks in Power Point so you wouldn’t feel completely dependent on me.”
“I would love that actually, but what about right now?” I said.
“Tell you what,” she says, “what if you come into my office first thing tomorrow – we could both come in a little early – and you watch what I do when I create your presentation, take some notes and I’ll get your presentation ready in time for your meeting.”
So she and I had worked it out, she felt better and appreciative of me taking the time to “clean it up,” I felt relieved and we worked together much more smoothly and productively. It was really amazing and totally rewarding (and you should see my Power Point slides now!)
Forgetting to use the skills at first and then going back to clean it up is how the skills from leadership training really work much of the time, at least until you have really mastered the skills. Even then you’ll still need to go back and clean it up once in a while.
I have found that most people are pretty forgiving when you mess up if they believe that your motives are sincere. A genuine apology can go a long way. It is also important, I believe, to make sure you say it again. Remember, you started the conversation because you had a legitimate need of some sort. If you stop with the apology, that need continues to be unmet. So, do your homework and make sure you do it right the second time. I also believe that forgiveness does have its limits. Most people will allow a few errors, after all, we are all human. But at some point, they may say, “No. You keep messing up. Get it right next time.” So, don’t depend entirely on cleaning it up. That can become an excuse for not really changing your behavior at all.
But, used sparingly, having the courage to go back, apologize for how you confronted and ask for a second chance to treat the relationship better, is often just as effective as doing it right the first time. Sometimes even more so.
[1] Non-blameful description of the behavior, concrete and tangible effects, feelings.
[2] L.E.T. refers to Leader Effectiveness Training, a leadership training class developed by Dr. Thomas Gordon.