The message we speak is but a small fraction of the whole message. Most of the meaning is communicated through the many nonverbal channels available to us. There are many levels and ways of coding (encoding) our thoughts and feelings (eye contact, body language, facial expression, tone, rate and pitch of voice, gestures, etc.). Much information about our feelings, our beliefs about liking, power, confidence, self esteem, etc. are left to these subtler, more error-prone channels of communication. About 70% of the information in any transaction is carried by the nonverbal channels (eye contact, space, body movements, facial expression . . .). About 23% is carried by the tone of the voice (how loud, soft, fast, slow, high, low). Only 7% of the information is actually carried verbally (in the words). When there are discrepancies among the channels, we tend to believe the non-verbals. This is called the metalanguage paradox.
During all communication transactions most of the information is communicated nonverbally and is thus open to interpretation. Even though these channels are highly subjective and more sensitive to misunderstanding, we assign them extremely high degrees of credibility. We tend to believe the “unspoken” before we believe the spoken. We do this because we know that it is possible to lie with words. We know this because we have told lies ourselves. The evidence is compelling. A good actor can lie in all channels, but we believe that most people are less able to lie non-verbally. So when the spoken and unspoken message are inconsistent, we tend to believe the unspoken even though our understanding of the actual meaning is more likely to be wrong. All the more reason that we need to really be in tune with our true feelings and communicate them in a direct, clear, specific way and effective leadership training teaches you how to do this.