Currently in the USA, we’ve got a lot of values colliding—perhaps this blog might help you navigate these turbulent times.
BUT we’re not going to talk about politics—we’re going to talk about
how to preserve relationships when values collide.
Let’s say you and your coworker disagree on a certain issue–yet neither of you is tangibly affected by the difference. (Recall that in the Leader Effectiveness Training workshop, we define tangible effects as those that cost money, time, energy.)
In the case of most Values Collisions, you will have difficulty sending a three-part Confrontive I-Message because you cannot come up with a real, concrete effect on you. People who are willing to negotiate about needs—an adjusted work schedule or use of a conference room—may see no reason why they should problem-solve on such values issues. Likewise, Method III Conflict Resolution seldom works on conflicts over issues such as lifestyles, morals, political beliefs, personal tastes, life goals, etc.
In L.E.T., in Session 6, we offer up different options for dealing with Values Collisions–ranked in risk, from high risk to low risk.
Let’s use this Values Collision as an example:
You’re the supervisor of a younger employee. He routinely comes to work in clothing that you consider to be inappropriate for the workplace, i.e., casual T-shirts, worn jeans, scruffy tennis shoes. Though not expressly against company policy, you really dislike the appearance and feel that it is generally unprofessional and does not convey the professional image you would like the team to present.
Now, keep this example in mind as we share the different options beginning with the highest risk.
Coercive Power
In Values Collisions, the impotence of the I-Messages, the ineffectiveness of Method III and the high degree of emotion and frustration sometimes involved makes the use of one’s power a very tempting option. However, a Values Collision is the very place where the use of power is the most likely to damage or even end a relationship. It is the highest risk option.
The reason for this is that since the Other believes his/her behavior does not affect you or your life in any tangible way, s/he sees any use of your power to change him/her as being a crude and unjustified intrusion into his/her life.
Using the example of the dress code: You warn your employee that if he can’t dress appropriately, he can’t work here.
False Acceptance
False acceptance is pretending to accept or approve of another’s value, when in fact his/her values-related behavior is unacceptable to you. The temptation to ignore the behavior or pretend acceptance of it is high if one fears the other’s disapproval or rejection if one raises the issue.
This seems safe, but is actually a high-risk path to follow because: you feel resentment toward the Other which damages the relationship and your apparent approval may actually encourage the Other in a destructive value s/he might have considered changing had they known your true feelings.
Using the dress code example: You act like it doesn’t bother you, but it irritates you every time you see him.
Problem-Solving the Behavior
Say that problem-solving the behavior, without attempting to change the Other’s underlying values is a useful option in certain cases. So it’s like this: Leader, says, in effect, “Look, it’s your life and you’re entitled to your own values, but I just get upset and worried about you when I see you doing this thing. Would you be willing to problem solve ways so I won’t have to experience it? If we can, I’ll try not to hassle you about it.”
If the Other is willing to do it where the leader never sees it (or hears it or smells it) the problem may be solved. This somewhat limited use of problem solving is sometimes helpful in preserving a relationship in the face of such discrete behaviors as swearing, smoking, etc.
Using the dress code example: He agrees to wear business casual clothing whenever a visitor is coming or a tour is scheduled.
Being a Consultant
Acting as a Consultant means to give advice under certain special conditions. Since a Values Collision involves unacceptable behavior in the bottom part of the Window, where advice is normally a Roadblock, these “consultant” conditions must be adhered to carefully. These conditions are the same rules that are followed by successful professional consultants in any field. Here are the characteristics of the successful consultant:
• A consultant must get hired by the client. Leaders must get “hired” by the Other before they can consult. The consultant must “sell” his/her expertise to the other person, who must agree to listen.
• S/he must be an expert in the field to be believable. Leaders must know their facts and present them persuasively for the Other to seriously consider accepting that his/her current value is bad for him/her.
• S/he leaves responsibility for change with the client. That is, whether or not the client “buys” the consultant’s ideas. This means that leaders must make their case only once—not going back again and again to keep repeating the advice if the Other doesn’t change. Professional consultants don’t go back to their clients and hassle and nag them if the clients don’t adopt their recommendations. Otherwise, they get fired as consultants—as will leaders who nag.
However, even if the Other doesn’t appear to buy your ideas, there are two helpful things to remember:
• S/he may think about your consulting awhile, and then change—you never know; and
• You’ve done your job. The Other won’t go down the wrong path unwarned; yet you haven’t hurt the relationship by nagging.
Using the dress code example: Research how people are influenced by someone’s outward appearance, i.e., ‘People Judge Your Competence Based on Your Clothes in Under One Second’ (Princeton University, 2019). Share this finding and say that it might be worth considering what he wears to work.
Disclosing and Listening 
Disclosing and Listening is often useful as a possible way to modify the Other’s value, your value or the values of both. These are the characteristics:
• Confront, using best two-part I-Messages, i.e., a friend might say; “When I see you smoke, it makes me feel sad.”
• Shift Gears and Active Listen wholeheartedly.
Being heard and accepted sometimes allows Other to change. Hearing deeply sometimes allows leader to change.
And listening and understanding always help build the relationship. Thus—even if no value change occurs—they tend to limit and cushion the stress caused by the Values Collision itself.
Using the dress code example: You can send a message to him like ‘When I see you wear that clothing to work, I worry that people might underestimate you.’ (He may have a response to that so be ready to Active Listen).
Preventive Teaching
Preventive Teaching is the sharing of your values, wisdom and preferences before a predictable Values Collision has occurred.
Note that this version of using logic is a Roadblock only when either party is feeling upset or unaccepting.
Leaders are able to share their values freely when all the Other’s behaviors are in the No-Problem Area.
Examples:
• Training of all kinds, both formal and on-the-job
• Leader telling new group member own strong preferences regarding dress and work habits before job starts
Using the dress code example: Have a talk with your employee during his job interview if you sense that the issue of clothing will become a values collision later on. Let him know how you feel about professional clothing and why.
Modeling
Modeling is a phenomenon that occurs over a substantial period of time and is involuntary, so it is not really an intervention, but is so powerful and important that it must be recognized for its unequalled influence:
• Modeling is a powerful, natural, involuntary process with high survival value—”monkey see, monkey do.”
• Modeling consists of copying an admired person’s behaviors, beliefs, attitudes or values because they are seen as useful or superior ways to enhance one’s life.
• Modeling goes on all the time in any good relationship. We all constantly pick up on admired others’ successful ways of dealing with life and its problems and tend to believe what these admired others believe.
The potency of modeling is a function of the health of the relationship and can’t be turned on or off by either party. If leaders damage the relationship over a Values Collision, group member may turn away from them as overall models in favor of peers or other less desirable role models, thus curtailing leader’s future modeling influence in other areas.
• Leader’s actions speak louder than words, i.e.,
• Don’t lecture against tardiness if you often are late. Don’t lecture against smoking if you smoke.
“Modeling” a particular behavior on purpose to get the Other to follow suit doesn’t work.
However, if you use a Method III orientation and maintain a close relationship, modeling can still occur in the future.
Using the dress code example: You always wear business attire in the workplace.
Changing Your Own Value
If you can change your own value in a Values Collision, the conflict is resolved.
Such a change must be real, not contrived. Forcing one’s self to act accepting because it will reduce conflict only breeds resentment.
Such spontaneous changes sometimes occur in the process of Confronting and Active Listening.
Another way to achieve such change, sometimes, is to examine your own values from a fresh point of view.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. What is my level of acceptance of myself? It is closely related to my acceptance of others and their values.
2. Is the value of mine that is causing the collision really valid for me? Or have I adopted it without examination from family or friends?
3. Can I become more accepting of the Other’s value by becoming more familiar with it?
4. Am I aware of how many competing values seem to succeed in this world of ours?
5. Do I have exclusive access to THE TRUTH? Am I willing to try on another’s value for size?
6. Why do I need others to be like me for me to like them?
7. Does my own life seem worthwhile from my own efforts, or does it depend on how others evaluate my spouse, partner, my children, my friends or my work associates?
If the latter is true, it will make it artificially important to you that those people live up to and conform to your values.
Using the dress code example: Realize that times have changed and that fashions change over time especially with younger people. And given that he doesn’t interact with customers, really, what’s the big deal?
Accepting the Differences
This means to accept that even after we have used all the other options, there will still be a small number of values differences which look like they will never change.
Using the dress code example: Learn to live with the idea that you and your employee have different values about how to dress.
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference. – Reinhold Niebuhr
The most obvious meaning of the poem to the Values Collision area is to have the courage to use the appropriate Values Collision Options when there’s a fighting chance they’ll work, and know when it’s just beating your head against the wall to try them.
What’s not so obvious about this poem is the great value to a relationship there is in actually realizing and clearly accepting those things one cannot change, i.e., the great potential value to a relationship of accepting reality.
To be able to recognize, name and accept those few always- to-be-unchanged differences makes it possible to put them behind you and get on with the relationship! This gives the relationship a great gift.