So before my morning commute today, I got a quick text that a friend of mine fears her marriage may be over. I was the first one she told, so this brief text message disguised a myriad of emotions, I’m sure. We made plans to talk later this week, but my 45-minute drive to the office gave me time to think about what she said, and what may have happened. And, most importantly, it gave me time to process my thoughts, my internal noise, so that I could be fully present when we finally talk.
My internal noise went a little something like this…
As I pulled out of my garage, I was thinking, “Well, there you go. It’s not like I couldn’t see THAT coming.” I was disappointed, and wondered how I could show her that if she had just changed some of the ways she reacted to her husband, the marriage might have made it.
Five minutes later, I was feeling frustrated with her husband, and wishing he’d been stronger and less complacent.
Fifteen minutes later, I was finally past my opinions, and feeling empathy for my friend and how sad she must be over the potential loss of her marriage. For me, that’s when I become a true friend – that moment when I put myself aside, and become what my friend needs most during this confusing time. Because I care, I am an Active Listener.
It’s one of the skills I learned in a leadership training program I took a few years ago, and the one I find myself using all the time.
Luckily for me, I still had another half an hour before I pulled up to work and planted myself in my cubicle for the next nine hours. During that final stretch on the freeway, I began role-playing a possible conversation with my friend. Several times in this imaginary dialogue, I caught myself using a Roadblock …one of the fastest ways to shut down real communication. I’d “hear” myself say, “You should (try this, have tried that, etc.)…” or I’d want to let her know that statistically, second marriages have their issues and third marriages, well, let’s not even go there…
Each time I’d head down the wrong path, I’d catch myself and re-route to a judgment and opinion-free place. I’d move from sharing MY perspective, and rehearse ways I could help her clarify what HER perspective was. I’d refrain from giving advice – unless I was clearly asked for it – and I wouldn’t try and second guess what she was going to say just so that I’d have a response ready and waiting.
In other words, I’d be on the alert for the potential roadblocks that are so easy to use; preaching, judging, criticizing, lecturing, blaming…heck, even trying to distract her by saying, “Oh, it can’t be all that bad!” or making a joke to try and diffuse the situation. Instead, I’d let her be…and I’d let all my internal noise, all my rehearsal, all ME, fall to the wayside, and I’d let myself just be. Pretty powerful stuff.
Today I had the luxury of a long commute to process, rehearse, and finally let go of my ego so that I could be the best friend possible. Most times, I don’t have that luxury, and when someone comes to me with an issue, sometimes I have to physically stop, take a breath, put my knee-jerk reactions aside, and focus on the person. But I’ve found the more I do it, the easier and more natural it gets.
So there you go. Wish me luck on that phone call!