You don’t have to like the people on your team but you do need to love them – in the deeper sense of the word. Love is about valuing those things that are most important: integrity, respect, trust, fairness and so on. Truly great leaders understand the difference.
I had a coaching client who just couldn’t understand why he kept getting such poor marks on his 360 degree evaluations. “After all,” he complained, “I go out of my way to be nice to them.” And it was true, in a way. He always picked up the check. He bought them expensive dinners with lots of good wine for special occasions. He played golf and tennis with some of them. He sent birthday cards to their spouses and kids. He was always in a good mood when team members were around. He didn’t want to upset them with bad news. So, even when things were going badly, he “put on his happy face.” (Yes, that is exactly what he said). He kept his door open for conversation. He was a hugger (Sometimes too much hugging).
On the other hand, when a team member did something that he didn’t like, he would fire them. The team member wouldn’t find out until his or her cell phone stopped working. By the time they returned to the office, all of their stuff had been packed into boxes and the computer was locked up. In private, he complained that his team members acted like children and they drove him crazy with their “whining and moaning.”
The fact was that his team members saw through the superficial niceties. They understood that there was no trust, fairness, or respect coming from him. This was a loveless relationship and it showed.
Another coaching client was, by her own admission, not very good at some of the social courtesies. She was sometimes gruff. She was a “penny pincher.” She sometimes forgot birthdays. She sometimes would go for weeks without asking anybody to lunch and would sometimes work with her office door closed all day. She didn’t throw parties or buy expensive wine for her team members. But, every one of them would go to the mat for her. If the team was up against a deadline, she didn’t have to ask for people to work extra hours, they just showed up ready to work. How did she do it? She told the truth. She listened to them when they needed her. She avoided blame. She worked really, really hard to find win/win solutions to conflicts. Some of them didn’t really like her very much, but by golly they admired, respected, and trusted her. They loved her and she loved them.
Guess which team got the most work done.
Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Gordon Training!